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I’ve false started today’s post about seven times now.  My mind is unsettled on some level today, and the upshot of that is that I have thoughts scattering in a hundred different directions.  I reach out to grab one to use as a focus, but it simply wiggles out of my grasp, laughs a little as it dances a little circle around me, and then dashes off to play with its friends.

That first paragraph alone should explain how out there I am today.

I guess the lack of concentration comes from a feeling.  A simple feeling I get every once and a while that something is very slightly and quietly wrong.  I can’t tell you what it is that is wrong, only that something is, in fact, wrong.  The feeling hits me every once and a while and I spend a day or two feeling completely out of sync with the rest of the world.  It’s like I’m a half a second out of phase with the rest of the universe.

A large part of the problem is that I have a very difficult problem connecting with other people.  The fact that I’m socially awkward has been documented in this space before, but it is something a little more than that.  I feel like an outsider much of the time, even among those who are my friends.

It’s days like this that I thank God that I managed to find someone who loves me and gives me an anchor in the craziness that this mess of a mind turns into so often.  Without my wife I don’t know that these days of listlessness and feeling off would ever have an end.  And, so I’ll bob along through the wrong-ness of the day, knowing that when I get home I’ll be able to be in a place that is right.

I just wish I could make the rest of my life work so well.

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