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I want to premise this entry with a statement.  This is not one of my happy-go-lucky entries.  It is introspective to a point that may actually be pushing the envelope on appropriateness.  However, the Jungle Gym is one of my outlets, a place where my thoughts and feelings flow unchecked.  This entry is a bit of “soul venting.”  I will not be posting this one to Facebook as I normally do, and will not be soliciting comments.  For those who are my loyal readers, I apologize for this one.  I would recommend skipping it and coming back tomorrow.  Sometimes these things just need to be purged and this is the place where that sort of thing happens for me.

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It’s easy to get drawn into dwelling on the events of the past.  Our memories can suck us in and pull us down into the past so quickly we don’t even realize what’s happening, and once we’re there it’s often hard to escape.

For some people this is because the past is full of warm memories that are like a security blanket to hold onto in troubled times.  But, for some, myself included, it’s because of the deep regrets and guilt that you carry with you because of those memories.

I look back over my younger life and it truly makes me a little ill.  I wasn’t a good kid, and I have a lot to be sorry for.  When I was fairly young I developed a habit for dishonesty that made my family life extremely difficult at times.  I caused burdens to my family that made for an uneasy home life much of the time. 

I can’t now explain why I acted as I did all the way up through high school and even college.  I look back and in some ways those memories almost feel like a different person.  My trouble with truthfulness led me down a path that almost ended with my destruction on several occasions.  It was the realization that despite the deep depressions I had fallen into that I did not really want to shuffle off this mortal coil that woke me up a bit.

I truly believe I am a changed person now, but I left a trail of tears behind me that will never really be completely repaired.  Regret is a very difficult thing to live with.  I have paid a heavy cost for my sins.  I wasn’t there to say goodbye to several people who I loved very deeply, particularly my mother.  I can never get back those lost years, or make amends for the hurt and suffering I caused.  I can never tell them I loved them or that I’m sorry.

Guilt, I have found, is even heavier than regret.

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