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I’m not the type that keeps up with Hollywood gossip.  I, frankly, just don’t care.  Unfortunately, even I end up knowing more than I want from simply being within earshot of media on a regular basis.  This morning I got a brush with one of the “big stories” and was a little surprised for a moment when the news turned to the drama surrounding Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.

Now, I’m not so far under a rock that I hadn’t heard about the issue.  What shocked me wasn’t the news of the affair that has all the gossip columnists all atwitter, it was the name of the mistress.  “Bombshell” McGee.  I simply shook my head and sighed.  Yet another child destined to a life of pain and heartache because of careless parents.  Luckily, in this case I was wrong.  The woman in question was given the reasonable name Michelle by her parents, she selected the moniker “Bombshell.” 

But, despite the fact that this instance is one where the ridiculous name was not bestowed upon parents, it did get me thinking about all the ridiculous names I have seen over the years.  My dad has an old friend named Harry Ballsey.   My mom taught a young girl named Candy Hooker.  There is a player on the Seattle Mariners named Milton Bradley.  And that’s just three off the top of my head.  It makes me sigh in sympathy for these kids.

And, then there’s the people who like creative spellings.  What possesses people to take a perfectly reasonable name like Christina and turn it into Chrystyna?  How does Joshua become Jawschwa?  This does not help your child.  It doesn’t make them a unique and interesting individual, they do that themselves.  All it does is ensure that they have to correct the spelling of their name all their life.  Thank you for an irritating issue to deal with all my life, mom and dad.

Parents really need to make a solid decision on the name for their child well ahead of time, and set it in stone.  Decisions made in the heat of labor and delivery are never good ones.  Also, they need to be sure that the decision is made in a time when no one is drinking, getting high, or feeling a particularly creative streak.  And the decision should be reviewed a few weeks later by not only you, but someone you trust to be a level-headed and reasonable person who will tell you the truth.  If parents can’t control themselves, perhaps we need to give those responsible for the filing of birth certificates limited veto powers.

Something has to stop the madness.  Think of the life poor little Formica Dinette will have to deal with.  (And, no, I didn’t make that one up.)



  1. I can’t talk poor Andrew’s full name is Thomas Joseph Andrew Ford. Nothing unusual in the names but it will always take them two guesses to figure out what to call him.

    • Yes, but at least he doesn’t have to correct spelling or pronunciation. And he won’t suffer strange looks because of an oddball name. I think you guys crafted a very sensible and respectable name.

  2. and don’t forget you wanted to call Todd …Noicnose! after your favorite movie at that time…poor Todd..I mean Noicnose 😀

    • What can I say? I was 3 and Pinocchio was the coolest thing in the world to me. At 3 I couldn’t day “Pinocchio,” but I still couldn’t understand what could possibly be a cooler name than that. Thank God Mom and Dad had more sense than to listen to a 3 year old.

  3. Yeah and don’t forget you were almost named Micha

  4. As for names, I feel my wife and I have done our son an injustice, for he will have to forever correct the the pronunciation and probably the spelling of his name. We named him Ciaran (Kir-an), and old Irish name meaning little bear, after a friend of ours. This friend and my wife used to belong to something called the SCA. Chris (the friend’s real name) used Ciaran as the name of his persona in the SCA. A lot of people pronounce my son’s name as Karen, however the name is very fitting of my son.

    • Despite the potential pronunciation difficulties, I have to say that I feel Ciaran is a strong name. I certainly wouldn’t put it inthe realm of some of the other naming disasters out there.

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