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I’ve never really been a social butterfly, to put it mildly.  I don’t make friends easily and so I treasure the ones I have.  I always thought that my tendencies toward being socially awkward and, at times, mildly antisocial would make any situation I ended up in that included long stretches of time on my own appealing.

I’m finding out I was wrong.

I find that I miss the interactions with people on a daily basis, and that’s something I never expected.  I will often zone into whatever it is that I am working on and be nearly unaware of the others around me.  But, despite that, I am finding that not even having a sense of other human beings around is a disillusioning place.

Isolation, I’m learning, is a scary thing.

The biggest problem I have is that in the silence that surrounds me in these empty rooms my mind has far too much time to conjure up the shames of past, present, and future.  It is much easier to feel the weight of your failures than the buoyancy of your successes.  Especially when you’re alone.

And so, I sit here each day and plug away, hoping to find the doorway out of here.  But, the problem is that the skills necessary for finding new employment and dealing with unemployment, too often fly in the face of what we are taught growing up.

As a child I was taught not to be a braggart.  I was taught to have pride in my accomplishments, but to let it be a quiet pride.  No one, after all, like someone who brags about themselves.  Now I am being told to market myself.  I am being told to brag and point to every little success I have had so that no one misses that it happened.  It goes against my very nature.

As a child I was taught to earn what I received.  An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.  I was taught that no one is entitled to anything, and that you have to work to get what you need and what you want.  Now, I hear about people riding out their unemployment as long as they can without even looking for work.  Meanwhile, I feel a gnawing sense of shame for having gone to the government with my hand out.

All I really want at this point is a chance to earn my keep.  A chance to be a productive part of society again.  A chance to get out of the isolation.

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One Comment

  1. My Friend I am right there with you. It has been hard and lonely sitting at home trying to find employment when being balked at every turn. I however have a little light at the end of the tunnel, I have an interview on thrusday. It was a long hard road, and I hope the trip will not be for naught. I know that you can find a chance to earn you keep again.


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