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Lately something has been bothering me.  And the more I think about it, the more I think there may be cause for alarm.  It is very possible that I am just being a little bit paranoid, but I think there may be signs that nature itself has declared war upon us.  The initial sign is subtle, but the attack is ingenious in its seeming innocuousness.

I speak, of course, of the rise of nut allergies.

Think about it.  Back in your youth how often did you hear of someone being allergic to peanuts?  How commonplace were signs warning that various tree nuts were handled and processed in an area?  You never saw these things.  Peanuts were a standard part of the American diet.  Mr. Peanut smiled, tipped his hat, and offered us his salty treats without fear.  We ate Cracker Jacks and in-shell peanuts at a ballgame without worrying that the dust from our ballgame repast would cause someone to go into cardiac arrest three rows away.

These days nut warnings on food seem to be as common as the Surgeon General’s warning on cigarettes.  I was walking into the grocery store the other day and there was a sign preemptively warning that there would be nuts for sale in open air bins for the holidays.  What was once a tasty, and fairly nutritious, group of snacks are suddenly treated like they are plutonium.  And the scientists are apparently baffled.  A quick Google search reveals that they have no real explanation for the rise in nut allergies.

That’s because we are all being terribly naive.

Nuts are obviously nature’s version of Navy SEALS.  They are Special Ops sent in to infiltrate and sow confusion among the populace.  Before you know it the grains will begin their own dastardly campaign of propaganda and fear.  And then, all hell will break loose as the entire produce department rises up in a bid to cause mass hysteria.

You say I’m crazy, but you’ll be begging for my help when the rutabagas are beating down your door.  Mark my words.


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