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I am not much of a TV watcher these days, but I was in my younger days.  And I remember when I was a kid watching daytime television when I was sick or during he summer seeing the ads for technical schools and correspondence courses just like you do today.  One of these, for whatever strange reason, that always sticks out in my mind stressed how so many people stresses in interviews how they were a “people person.”  I guess that was a big deal back then.

When I think about that commercial it always makes me smile one of my patented ironic smiles.  I am most decidedly not a people person.  That’s not to say I can’t deal with people.  One thing I learned early in my working life is that you have to be able to put on a mask of sorts while at work and become what is expected.  I’ve worked in customer service and technical support most of my life, and thus have gotten good at playing the little masquerade game that comes with that territory.

However, in my private life it’s much different.  I don’t relate well with most people.  I never really have, and thus have been a bit of an outsider and a loner for much of my life.  That fact will often lead me to the rationalization that I don’t really need or want to have people around me.  But, no man is an island, as they say, and anytime I end up with large amounts of time on my own the silence becomes deafening once more and the ache for some sort of human connection kicks in.

What can I say, I am a paradox.

These days I feel the edge of loneliness more than I like.  I’d give my right eye for a return to the workplace just to get that human interaction.  But, it goes beyond that.  Despite the fact that I come here and spill the contents of my twisted mind out for everyone to see on as close to daily basis as I can manage, I still have problems communicating through anything but a keyboard.

I miss my family.  I miss my old friends.  And, while I have reestablished many of those connections, I have failed, in many ways, to truly nurture them.  I don’t know how to talk to anyone anymore it seems.

It can be so frustrating having so much in my head to say, but having it all amorphous and unable to be expressed.  I wish I knew how to fix the cracks in me that prevent me from communicating, but truly I don’t know where to start.


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