The other day as I was walking the aisles of the local Giant shopping for the various and sundry items of sustenance that every household needs I happened on an odd thing. You see, my wife and I will often purchase the “On The Go” sticks made by brands like Crystal Light or Kool-Aid to flavor bottled water. We each have our favorite flavors, but we agree on one thing. The Cherry Kool-Aid, it is, in fact, the best. I’m sure that a part of this is nostalgia for childhood when there would be pitchers of the stuff in the refrigerator. But, somehow, Kool-Aid is always a good bet.
I have purchased the Cherry Kool-Aid sticks on a few occasions, but on this particular occasion there was none to be had. Of greater concern, there did not appear to be an empty spot where the currently sold out Cherry Kool-Aid should reside. Yes, there was Tropical Punch, but this simply will not do when you want the Cherry.
When I mentioned this state of affairs to my wife she suggested that I try that paragon of online shopping, Amazon. She made a good call. Cherry On-The-Go Kool-Aid is, in fact, available through Amazon. (As is the also tasty Grape flavor which I have never seen on store shelves, but I digress.) But, my excitement for the prospect of Cherry goodness was suddenly intruded upon when I noticed some of the comments on the item. It seems that many people have been faced with the same situation which caused me such consternation. Apparently, Cherry Kool-Aid, in the On-The-Go format, has been disappearing from the shelves of grocers everywhere.
This sent a shiver up my spine. It is an eerily familiar tale, for many years ago Cherry Pez suffered a similar fate.
Now, some may say that Cherry Pez is a myth. A flight of fancy created in the mind of a somewhat unstable blogger. But, I tell you it existed! There is eve mention of the phenomenon in “Stand By Me” when Vern insists that the decision of a single food for the rest of his life is an easy choice: “Pez, Cherry flavored Pez.”
What does all this mean, though? As usual, we here at the Jungle Gym have the answers for you. But, I warn you, the facts are disturbing.
It is, in fact, a conspiracy. A war, if you will, against the cherry.
It is a slow process. Those aligned against the cherry are taking no chances. They are carefully removing the cherry from our society one product at a time. But, mark my words, the insidious plot will not stop. Soon, you will not be able to get Cherry Coke or Wild Cherry Pepsi. Then, music will begin disappearing from record stores and iTunes by Wild Cherry and Buckcherry. Suddenly, you won’t be able to buy a cherry-shaped air freshener for your car or win with cherries on a slot machine. And finally, and most insidiously, your sundae will be delivered to you without any maraschino cherry to top it.
Anarchy will ensue. Civilization will fall. And the perpetrators will laugh at our folly.
I haven’t yet determined the masterminds behind this as of yet, but I have my suspicions. It is my belief that the strawberry is deeply involved. It has been jealous for years of the fact that cherry has taken the color red in most candies and flavored items. And, quite frankly, how can you trust a fruit that so blatantly displays its seeds on the outside.
Fight back, my friends. Don’t let chaos engulf our world for want of a cherry!